The ancients are right: the dear old human experience is a singular, difficult, shadowed, brilliant experience that does not resolve into being comfortable in the world. The valley of the shadow is part of that, and you are depriving yourself if you do not experience what humankind has experienced, including doubt and sorrow. We experience pain and difficulty as failure instead of saying, I will pass through this, everyone I have ever admired has passed through this, music has come out of this, literature has come out of it. We should think of our humanity as a privilege. — Marilynne Robinson
So you might be wondering where I have disapeared to…five whole months have gone by and not a single photograph posted. Well I am back and in what you might call a confessional mood, you see the last six months have been a little tough on me.
I became someone deeply unhappy, detached, overwhelmed (completly so) and not so nice to be around. I know that it really didn’t help that I was utterly sleep deprived (thanks to my little one waking every hour all night long). Oh and then there was the huge surge of post partum hormones that decidedly drove me and my emotions bonkers. I genuinely don’t remember crying so much and laughed so little in my life. It was not a great time for anyone. On top of that I am always trying to do a hundred things, and do them really well.
I’ve been so utterly exhausted from not sleeping that I barely had the energy to hold a conversation but I couldnt bare to let anyone outside my family see that I wasnt coping. I barely left the house apart from doing the weekly shop and just the idea of taking a long walk was enough to make me crawl back into bed.
However….in December I turned a corner and was able to, with the help of my husband and my mother, take a long hard look at myself and realise that things had to change. I had to do everything in my power to get myself out of this funk and to start treating myself and my loved ones better.
First up….sleep training. The girl did not want to sleep without maman so we had to go cold turkey. Oh the crying, the feeling that you are going to split in half if you don’t go into that bedroom and scoop her up into your arms. The knowing that you can end those tears in a second but that if you don’t let her learn to self soothe then you are never going to get better is so so tough. My mum took over and eventually the crying stopped and she slept in her own bed.
And you know what, my husband and I slept together again, just the two of us…. It was very strange at first, a little like two strangers getting into bed together… oh and to sleep for more than 45 consecutive minutes, heavenly!
Now, a little more than a 6 weeks since my baby started sleeping in her own bed and we reclaimed our bed as our own. I feel like a different person. I can deal with little dramas, I have the energy to take my long walks. The brain fog is finally lifting and I am lighter and not weighed down by negativity and resentment.
I wanted to write this down, to expel it from my system. To say that it has happened but that I have survived. To know that I have been suffering a form of depression but that through love and support that I have found my own way through it.
Most of all I want to express my absolute love and gratitude to those closest to me who have held me close, kissed my tears, born the brunt of my bad humour and moments of hopelessness and kept smiling and loving throughout. I love you and will never forget.
I want 2013 to be full of laughter, love, energy, positivity and creativity.
Louis the original little rascal
Best Father Ever, look how his children adore him
My little Charlotte, who is growing up so so quickly!